Monday, February 16, 2009

Education Stimulus Package

By all accounts of those with a vested interest in there being a "crisis" in American education, there is, indeed, a "crisis" (surprise!).

However, I have a better solution than the traditional "pump money through bureaucratic channels," and that is to enact an education stimulus package.

Billy's grades suck because he doesn't turn in his homework?

Under the stipulation of my stimulus package, Billy will receive credit for the work that he didn't do.

Jessica's grades suck because she doesn't study for tests?

No problem. My stimulus package will award her a passing grade.

Unlike Obama's economic stimulus package--which he very publicly has stated will not be a "quick fix" for the economy, if it even helps the economy at all (which Obama does imply between the lines; he just says that doing nothing is a worse alternative than trying anything)--my education stimulus package promises real results, really fast.

As soon as next week, students who were previously failing will either be passing or on the road to passing.

Critics say that my plan is ridiculous, that I'm merely increasing grades without actual learning. What they don't understand is that these increased grades are backed by increased learning.

You see, some students have really high grades, like 98% or even better. I don't think that it's too much to ask for them to give, say 5-10% to a more deserving, underprivileged student.

And if that's not enough, my plan allows us to borrow grades from future students. Among the current kindergartners, there are many who will eventually earn 98% and such on grades. If we can use their future points toward scores today, we can boost today's scores even higher. This will result in more students having good grades, which means more students in college, which means better jobs for everyone.

Effectively, my education stimulus package will accomplish all of its goals AND save the economy.

So, how about it, Obama? Make me the offer, and I promise not to decline an appointment to your cabinet.


  1. Some more thoughts (I'm stuck at home with the kids, who are napping, and I'm reaaaally bored!):
    It would be important that you don't really explain where these points that help students pass come from. Never tell the already passing students that points are taken away to make sure lazy students don't fail. Some will figure it out, but the rest will just be confused by how hard it is for them to succeed, no matter how hard they work. Eventually, some brilliant students may discover that one can do better by doing nothing than by working hard for years. And those students will be the next generation of politicians.
    Another idea: Incorporate a graduated point-stealing system, where the most points are taken from the students who are brightest and work the hardest, while those barely achieving grade level minimum must give up no points. The goal would be to make the two equal in the end, as well as those who have no business in that class or grade level.

  2. nevershutsupBAR4:17 PM

    One more thing: More people in college equals better jobs for everyone. As if we'll suddenly have more engineers, MBAs, scientists, and philosophers achieving at the same level as now. I would like to see more people go to college, just to give it a try. Like a giant episode of Seth Meyer's "Really?"
    You think you're college material? Really? You answered 4 questions without cheating in high school, and you want to go to college? Really? GM wouldn't trust you to stand on an assembly line and screw in bolts all day, but you want a college degree? Really? It could be sadistically amusing to teach at a new college created to handle the boom in new students. Assuming the expectations of higher learning today stayed the same, the failure rates would be astronomical! But of course, achievement would probably be shared "communaly", so that most or all received their degrees of inflated value. By the way, don't feel obligated to post any of my rants. I know I got severely long-winded this time.


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