Abolish Summer

There are far more songs written about the summer than any other season. The only season that comes close is winter, and that's only because of Christmas. Seriously, think about it. There's all sorts of winter songs: "Winter Wonderland," "Let it Snow," "Baby It's Cold Outside," etc.; but how many of them are played after Christmas? They're Christmas songs, not winter songs.

I bring this up because I'm tired of celebrating summer. Give me late spring or early autumn. Screw summer. It's too dang hot.

I edged my grass today and nearly dehydrated. I went inside and drank a bit of water (I say a bit, but I mean a lot more because exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement). I decided to sit and do nothing for a while. The problem was, I had to breathe, and that made me sweat even more. I had to get more water. The process of lifting the glass of water to my lips cost me in fluids as much as I consumed. I thought, for a moment, that I might be in Hell: George W. is still president, and that supported this hypothesis. However, I was still able to access Catherine Zeta-Jones on the internet, so I knew that I was OK. She's so beautiful, and to think that the only things standing between us is her marriage to Michael Douglas and that pesky restraining order.

Seriously, what's so awesome about the summer? I'm sweating my [insert dual male organs] off!

Have you ever noticed that most "summer" songs are written by people living in climates that are warm whether or not it is summer? Think about it. Jimmy Buffet hangs out in the Caribbean. The Beach Boys were from Southern California. When was the last time that a "summer" song was recorded by a band in northern Irkutusk? "I Wish They All Could Be Siberian Girls" just doesn't sound right.

I think that summer songs are coolest in the winter, when, ironically, it is coolest. That's when I can curse how freaking cold it is and wish for the warmth of the summer. When the summer comes, bring on the Christmas songs because I'm melting.

Screw summer and screw winter. Give me May and October twelve months out of the year. It can snow on Christmas, which, on my calendar, will be on May 25; and it can be hot on Independence Day, which I will allow to be on July 4, but only because I'm a historian and dates should jive whenever possible (please note that there is conclusive evidence that Jesus was not born on December 25, so my special calendar can still maintain quite a bit of integrity).

This calendar--which will only include the latter half of April, all of May, the first part of June, the latter half of September, all of October and nothing else--would be beneficial to all. All we need is for Congress to vote on it.

If you think that's stupid, that we can't change the seasons by a simple vote, then you must agree that it is stupid for Congress to take steps to stave off global warming. I'll accept that refutation, for I believe that global warming is a natural process and that Al Gore would have preached phrenology in the 19th century and probably believes that a good bleeding will cure whatever ails you.

If summer is abolished because it is too hot, and winter was abolished because it is too cold, the only problem would be changing a few song lyrics. For instance:

"Pleasant time, spring in the city" would replace "Hot time, summer in the city."

And "Oh the weather outside is delightful" would replace "Oh the weather outside is frightful."

If we put our minds to it, we can do it. It's a hell of a lot easier than enduring this unrelenting heat, only to endure piercing cold six months later.