Thursday, August 24, 2006

A Seinfeld Moment


Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode in which he is scratching the side of his nose in such a way that from the other side it appears as if he's picking his nose, and then his girlfriend sees him and actually thinks that he's picking his nose? Something similar happened to me today, but it does not involve my nose or a girlfriend. Rather, it involves a man in a dirty bathroom. (If this was a TV show, then this would be a great time to cut to a commercial).

So I was at McDonald's today (I have to keep up my Elvis-esque figure--see previous post on Elvis), and I was suddenly overcome with an urge, a burning sensation in my loins that means only one thing in all languages: I had to pee.

So I walked into the bathroom, and noticed that there was only one urinal (and it was occupied, of course), so I opened the door to the unoccupied stall. Before me sat a toilet seat splattered with urine. Oh well, I thought, that just means that I am no longer bound by ettiquet and protocal to lift the lid; so I wizz away. However, I did not expel a haphazard, erratic stream. I hit my target; the mess was not mine.

On the way out of the stall, I heard the door fly open and saw a man grasping at his belt and heading straight for the stall. He clearly had a case of the Virginia Quick-Step. I swung to my side to allow him passage, and I was just at the sink about to wash my hands when I heard him swear. He must have seen the urine spattered toilet seat. While I can sympathize with the guy, he was out of line for saying sarcastically (and loudly), "Thanks. Thanks a lot." That's when I realized that he was blaming me for the mess. I wanted to protest and plead, "It wasn't me!" Instead, I just chuckled and said, "Yeah, that sucks."

The moment that those words left my mouth, I thought to myself, get out of here. And that's what I did.

I'll never know how that man's bowels held up whilst he dabbed toilet paper to the toilet seat. Part of me says that everything turned out all right for him, and that he's just a little bit ticked-off at a total stranger who he will never see again (i.e. me).

However, another part of me thinks that it would be even better if he either A. had to sit on a pee-drenched toilet seat, or B. had an "accident."

Yes, I'll admit that's just mean. However, I have applied the WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) question, and my knowledge of the Gospels doesn't help. I don't know what Jesus would have done in this situation. Maybe he would have turned the pee into wine? Maybe he would have washed the man's feat while he sat on the toilet. Then again, the guy died for our sins. I don't think that he's obligated to wipe up someone else's piss! That means that I did do what Jesus would do, so HA!

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