Struck by a Vehicle

Today, something happened straight out of a Dane Cook routine.

I saw someone get struck by a vehicle.

Two friends and I were on our way back to work from lunch. Jeff was driving his new Ford Freestyle (not to be confused with the Greco-Roman Ford), and I was seated in the front passenger seat. We were stopped at a light, about two cars back, and I spied an old man crossing the street on his Rascal (you know, the motor-powered bikes for old people).

I couldn’t help but observe how quickly that Rascal was shooting across the street, so I pointed it out: “Hey guys, look at that Rascal go!”

That was the best part, for we saw this entire thing unfold. We watched in earnest as he neared the curb, when the green arrow for a free right turn appeared.

What happened next happened in slow motion (as it always does). The three of us went from chuckling to shouting “Whoa!” “Ooo!” and “Gah!” in unison (it sounded like Wha-oo-gah!” The old lady in the turn right only lane saw her green arrow but didn’t see her decrepit peer. As she slowly moved forward, we watched in horror.

“Wha-oo-gah!” we said.

For a moment, it looked like he would make it. He was oblivious to her, and she was oblivious to the fact that she was alive and behind the wheel of a 2000 pound vehicle.

But he didn’t make it.

In the slowest car accident in recorded history, we watched her roll into his rear tire and begin pushing his Rascal. It pivoted to the right upon contact, but she didn’t stop. He reacted by throwing his hands in the air and shouting something, but we couldn’t hear over “Wha-oo-gah!”

I thought that I was to be the spectator at another fatality accident. I’d even unbuckled my seatbelt, thinking that I’d run to the aid of this destined-to-be broken man, but rather than simply drive over him at .5 miles per hour, she came to a less than screeching halt. He sat there, waving his hands in the air for a moment, but quickly kicked that bugger into gear and headed for the safety of the curb.

I relaxed a moment, then the three of us started laughing. For this, we will probably be ridiculed by females, but male readers will understand how freaking funny this was. We saw a man get struck by a vehicle that was moving a cool three miles per hour—and everyone was OK.

The light for us turned green. Jeff hesitated for a moment, but eventually proceeded on our way.