Saturday, July 04, 2009

Not Independence Day

September 3--not July 4--should be commemorated as the United States of America's day of Independence from Great Britain.

While the Declaration of Independence is dated July 4, 1776, declaring independence is not equal to acquiring independence.

Don't believe me? Then try this one. I have borrowed heavily from Jefferson's Declaration of Independence. What I've added or changed is boldfaced...

In Congress, July 4, 2009, The unanimous Declaration of Aristos
When in the course of of human events it becomes necessary for one blogger to dissolve the political bands which have connected him with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle him, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the separation.

hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this Blogger; and such is now the necessity which constrains him to alter his former Systems of Government. The history of the present Federal Government is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

It has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

It has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For . . . altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For . . . declaring itself invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

In every stage of these Oppressions I have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: My repeated Petitions have never been answered. A government, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free blogger.

Nor have I been wanting in attentions to my American brethren. I have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over me. I have reminded them of the circumstances of my consent to be governed. I have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and I have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. I must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces my Separation, and hold them, as I hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

I, therefore, the finest Blogger in the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of my house, solemnly publish and declare, That my house, front and back yard are, and of Right ought to be a Free and Independent State, that it is Absolved from all Allegiance to the United States of America, and that all political connection between it and the United States of America, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent State, it have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I mutually pledge to whomever gives a rip my Life , my Pseudo-fortune, and my sacred Honor.


Now, if you think that the United States of America became independent on July 4, 1776, then I welcome you to my new country--The Aristoian Republic. Bring the whole family. The currency exchange rates are good, so tourists can enjoy the numerous sights and attractions--including a really big rose bush, a new 12' trampoline--and of course you'll get a chance to tour Independence Basement, where my Declaration of Independence was authored and approved.

Aristoian Currency --------------------- Really Big Rose Bush

12 Foot Trampoline -------------Workstation, Independence Basement

My point is that the United States did not acquire independence merely by declaring it. Independence was not achieved until Great Britain signed the Treaty of Paris on September 3, 1783--and the USA accomplished this only after a long war. Similarly, the Aristoian Republic will not acquire until some future time in an alternate dimension.


  1. Wow Aristos, you haven't aged a bit since the last time I saw you!

  2. How did Independence Basement get so clean? Oh wait that's not the whole basement.

  3. Bar:

    Three things...

    1.) It's an eight year old picture.
    2.) Sometimes Independence Basement is clean(ish),
    3.) Kiss my ass.


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