Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Nintendo Cartoon Hour

Stick with this one. It gets pretty funny.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Santa Visits

Santa Claus came to our home this morning, and--thanks largely to Mrs. Claus--the fat guy was more than generous.

Santa had an especially hard time figuring out exactly what Mark (age 5) wanted most because, when asked what he wanted, Mark always replied, "Everything."

When Mark woke up this morning, I looked him in the eyes and said, "Santa's been here, buddy!"

I could see the excitement begin to fester behind his eyes, so I added, "But he didn't bring you everything, just some things."

"Yeah," he replied, "that's probably because I was bad a few times this year."

Monday, December 22, 2008

Now Natalie Responds

Remember, you can't break a Christmas promise!

Christmas Wishes Amended

In her post, Natalie wished that everyone's Christmas wishes come true. I would like to disagree.

If your Christmas wishes are good, then that is fine. However, if your Christmas wish is for something bad, like war or government intervention into the economy and/or personal liberties, then I say screw you.

Who in the heck would make such an awful Christmas wish? How about Barack Obama (I wish for everyone's money to be under my control), Dick "Dick" Chaney (If you wage war; I will come), Adolf Hitler (the Final Solution), or Fred Savage (If you have a sub-literate script, I will act in it)?

Natalie Posts

Hi, I'm Natalie, and I posted this. My dad is right here because he won't let me post on my own.

Some of you might have heard about how well I did on my Iowa test. I scored in the 95th percentile. My dad keeps wondering how I was able to score in the 99th percentile in language usage and social studies. I told him it's because that's all that he talks about most of the time.

This was really important to me because maybe it will help me get a scholarship to college. I want to go to college at Hillsdale because that's where my parents went.

My dad just said to mention to Surrealist that he needs his DVDs of the Flight of the Conchords.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May all of your wishes come true, especially mine.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Mark the Philosopher

My father-in-law recently had to renew his tabs at the Secretary of State. However, due to the heavy snow that morning, he was afraid to drive in his little Ford Ranger. He called to ask if I'd take him because I have a 4WD SUV.

Mark and I were out running errands when the call came in, so I said that we would by over within 30 minutes.

On the ride over to my father-in-law's house, Mark asked why we needed to pick up Opa, so I decided to teach an impromptu civics lesson.

I told Mark that the government was forcing Opa to give them money, otherwise--if he tried to drive his car--they would arrest him and hurt him by either taking more money or throwing him in jail. (Please note that this is pretty much exactly what goes on every time you renew your tabs).

Mark said that if the government ever does that to him, then he will call the police on the government.

When I told him that his plan was flawed because the police actually work for the government, he became exasperated.

"You mean the police are evil?" he asked.

"No," I said, "what I mean is that the police work for the government."

"Yeah, but if the government steals from people, then it is evil; and if the police work for the government then they have an evil boss, so the police are evil too." He fired back.

I was impressed by his ability to reason via hypothetical syllogisms. However, I explained that most policemen are good people whose job it is to help people in trouble.

"And kill bad guys," he added.


What's better (but in the same category) than renting a really cool game for your XBox 360?

Renting that game for your son and getting all the credit for being an awesome dad.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Second Shoer

You've probably seen the video of the WMD deployed recently against president Bush.

What most people don't consider is the possibility of a second-shoe-thrower. While there's no footage of the grassy knoll, such a vantage point would have been an excellent place for a Nike marksman to take his best shot at the president. It goes without mention that Woody Harrelson's dad wears shoes everyday.

This Muntader al-Zaidi is nothing but a patsy, folks. Get with it. This was an attack orchestrated by the CIA.

(Which probably explains why no shoes managed to hit the president)

Sunday, December 14, 2008


There cannot logically be proof in the contradictions, but so many exist that there must be something to them.

We rely upon nature such that we call her mother. However, today she battered me with winds and damn near froze me to death while looking for the perfect Christmas tree to display in our home as a symbol that in some way must at least tip the hat to the beauty and generosity of nature.

P.S. I wrote this on a whim in about 35 seconds. I will most likely regret not thinking more about it before writing it--just as I now regret doing karaoke at my work Christmas party after a few too many rum and diet Cokes.

I've always been "the loud guy."

Now I'm "the loud guy who sings way the hell out of key."

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Yes We Can (protect liberty)

What is a patriot to do when the country has gone wrong? Under such circumstances, the patriot actually opposes his country.

Many will therefore look upon the patriot as unpatriotic, but what is the truth?

Before July 4, 1776, a true patriot supplicated to the King of Great Britain.

At this point in America's history, if a patriot is defined as one in favor of limited government and maximum liberty, then a true patriot must oppose this government.

Of course there's always the important question: can individuals concerned about personal liberties make a difference if they speak up and work together (e.g. by subverting the current nonsensical "two-party system"), the ironic answer is "Yes we can!"

We can accomplish this by never again voting for republicans or democrats. Every incumbent, save for Ron Paul, should be thrown out and replaced by someone who can quote (or at least paraphrase) Article I, Section 8 and Article II, Sections 2 and 3 of the United States Constitution.

Any man or woman who can quote or paraphrase these parts of the Constitution must recognize that this government that we have today is an abomination.

A Rather Awkward Moment

Before you read this post, you must watch this clip.

If NBC has killed the clip from youtube, then go to by clicking here.

I, biobandit, and bar all thought that this sketch was hilarious. A mutual friend, let's call him "Marc" (because that's his name) has a similar sense of humor, and he is known to watch SNL. Knowing this, I planned to do my best Andy Samburg "Jizz in my pants" impression when we shook hands for salutations at this evening's company Christmas party.

I just knew that Marc would laugh his butt off when, while shaking his hand, I curled my lips up and shook at the waist.

However, it turned out that Marc hadn't seen the sketch. Therefore, he looked at me as if I was mentally incompetent at best.

It soon occurred to me that he had no idea as to what I was referring. I quickly explained what it was all about, but, in the end, I nonetheless ended up looking like a perverted idiot.

In case you missed it, here's the link again.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

My Recent Rants Explained

I saw BAR the other day, an he noted that I've been pretty down on Obama's campaign slogan/chant, "Yes we can!"

This I acknowledged but explained my reasons.

For one, it's purely a psychological/crowd pandering tool. It's like the "wave" at a football game.

Also, it's too general. We can what?

Let's push the clock back seventy years and head on over to Germany. Imagine Hitler asking his pumped-up crowd: "Und can vee solve der problem mit der Juden?" (This is my half-German, half-phonetically English-with-a-German-accent way of saying, "And can we solve the Jewish problem?"

Or Osama bin Laden asks his Al-Qaeda lieutenants, "Can we hurt the Americans?"

Both the Nazi masses and Islamo-fascists would respond, "Yes we can."

This is not to say that Obama supporters are Nazis or Islamo-fascists. It's to say that Obama's slogan is as useful to the evil as it is to the good.

I've never liked simple slogans. What if I lived according to Nike's "Just do it"? I'd have a dozen sexual harassment suits against me; I'd be in jail for punching out several jerks; and more likely than not I'd have shoplifting charges against me.

When the founding fathers waged war against the British empire, many chose the slogan "Don't tread on me."

This is a great slogan, for it cannot be misconstrued. Simply put, it means that the bearers of the slogan are not to be trampled upon. They are free men who will exercise and defend their liberties.

Patrick Henry created the motto, "Liberty or death." Again, this is short but chaste. It cannot be chanted sincerely by evil men.

"Yes we can," however is, at its essence, the motto of every tyrant who ever lived. Tyrants are also called dictators, from the Latin dictare, the infinitive of the verb "say." Whatever a dictator says is what goes. Therefore, if a tyrant/dictator says, "Yes we can," then damn it he intends that it will be done, no matter how many bodies need to fall in his wake.

When Obama has his minions chant, "Yes we can!" the real questions being asked are as follows:

1.) Can we utilize government's coercive powers beyond their constitutional limits?

(Yes we can!)

2.) Can we end the system of property rights as we know it?

(Yes we can!)

3.) Can we turn what was once a simple republic into a socialist republic?

(Yes we can!)

4.) Can we take steps to make things worse and, at the same time, make the masses excited about it?

(Yes we can!)

Thursday, December 04, 2008

No More Bail Outs!

Yes, there's an element of sincere "too bad" for the unskilled who must suffer at the demise of the Big 3.

However, while those in Detroit plead for money, who really thinks of from where this money comes?

Is it right that carpenters or street sweepers or basic freaking clerks in places as fare away from Detroit as Honolulu to Key West should have to forfeit their property to "bail out" the people of metro Detroit?

Should I have to lose because my next-door neighbor lost his job and is in foreclosure? If not, then the proposed "loans" to the Big 3 are wrong. If so, then you have no concept whatsoever of individual or property rights and should, according to T.S. Eliot, pay you respects to either Hitler or Stalin.

Yes, if the Big 3 fail, then many people will be without jobs. However, this is how economies improve. Imagine if the telegraph industry was propped up by the government. Would you utilize it, or would you say, "Why in the Hell are you even in business?"

When the fields dried up, the Okies moved away. Should they have stayed and grown scant crops on ruined soil?

You know the answer, Sentiment alone is what keeps you from admitting the solution.

More Johnny Cash ('Cause He's So Darn Good)

Sure, this isn't the first post with Johnny Cash videos--and some may be repeats--but listen again and feel his pain, feel his faith, feel his faith and talent.

This isn't the original--but it's cool!

This song makes me decide to attend mass.


Much has been said as to Obama's wisdom in appointing a "cabinet of rivals" similar in nature to that of Lincoln's.

Most seem to think that this is a good thing.

I remind these optimists that Lincoln waged war against what he considered his own country, and left 3/4 of a million dead, and many more permanently injured and/or destitute.

Can we destroy this country?

"Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!"--Barack Obama.


In the United States' infant stages, piracy in the Mediterranean was a huge problem. Pirates based along the Barbary Coast in cities like Tripoli and Tunis attacked American merchant ships, seized cargo and held Americans for ransom.

For many years, the US government chose to pay these pirates tribute in exchange for the promise of safe passage.

However, everyone knows an extortioner/blackmailer's next step...

The Barbary Pirates began to up the amount of money for tribute. It took awhile until finally the third president, Thomas Jefferson, decided that enough was enough. He ordered the infant United States Navy and Marines to sail into the Mediterranean and, in the words of Commodore Stephen Decatur, "offer them liberal and enlightened terms, dictated at the mouths of our cannons."

The "negotiations" worked. After Decatur's bold exploits, the United States payed no more ransoms at all.

Similarly, when I was in 6th grade, an 8th grader named Mike, used to pick on me at the bus stop. He was relentless, and his friends used to laugh when he'd call me names and shove me around before the bus picked us up and after it dropped us off.

Finally, I snapped--not unlike Ralphie against Scott Fargas in A Christmas Story. We had just been dropped off, and Mike was at it again. I remember that he said something, but I just kept walking home. This seemed a decent plan since our homes were not in the same direction.

But he followed me, no doubt egged-on by his buddies.

After a dozen or so steps, he shoved me from behind. However, I was ready for it.

He pushed me, but I turned to the left at the exact moment that his hand touched my back. This caused him to fall forward a bit, such that he was utterly defenseless when I threw a fast right-hand punch into his left ear (sources later told me that Mike's ear rang for two days).

He went down, and I jumped on top of him. First, I pounded the back of his head. He rolled to his side, but I stayed atop of him and began to punch his face over and over.

He screamed. He cried. He begged me to stop.

I did not stop. I beat the hell out of him until someone's mother pulled me off and called me a "foul little rat."

As the mother lent forward to Mike and asked if he was all right, I noticed the blood pouring from his nose and lips. My first instinct was to yell something like, "See what it will getcha?" But instead I ran home.

Once home, I figured that Mike's mother would call mine, so I decided to tell my own mother exactly what had happened.

After the story was over, she simply asked "Did you really make him bleed?"

"Yeah," I confessed.

"Good," she said. "I'll bet you anything he won't be a problem from now on."

So I ask rhetorically: What shall we do with the Pirates off the eastern African coast?

Fight them and destroy them all AND everything that they're holding for ransom. That will send a message.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


My daughter just asked me if I knew how to say "Hello" and "Goodbye" in Polynesian.

I told her yes, and that it was the same word. Next, I asked her if she knew that word.

She affirmed by saying, "Aloha."

Overall, this was a rather unimpressive exchange, other than it got me thinking how stupid that Beatles song "Hello Goodbye" must sound when translated into Polynesian.

Are there times when it says, "You say hello, and I say hello?" or "You say goodbye, and I say goodbye"?

Four Legs Good!/Yes We Can!

"Four legs good! Two legs bad!" = "Yes we can! Yes we can!"

Warning: The pigs will not save the farm!

Have you seen the little piggies
Crawling in the dirt
And for all the little piggies
Life is getting worse
Always having dirt to play around in.

Have you seen the bigger piggies
In their starched white shirts
You will find the bigger piggies
Stirring up the dirt
Always have clean shirts to play around in.

In their styes with all their backing
They don't care around
In their eyes there's something lacking
What they need's a damn good whacking.

Everywhere there's lots of piggies
Living piggy lives
You can see them out for dinner
With their piggy wives
Clutching forks and knives to eat their bacon.

--George Harrison and John Lennon, recorded by The Beatles.

Notice in the last line what the pigs are eating!

"It's people!"
--Charlton Heston in Soylent Green

Monday, December 01, 2008

A Poem

"A Learned Man Came to Me Once"
By Stephen Crane

A learned man came to me once.
He said, "I know the way, -- come."
And I was overjoyed at this.
Together we hastened.
Soon, too soon, were we
Where my eyes were useless,
And I knew not the ways of my feet.
I clung to the hand of my friend;
But at last he cried, "I am lost."

Am I the only one who sees how like Obama is to this "learned man"?

Bill of Rights